From George Carlin:
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it‚Äôs important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. "
"The reason I talk to myself is because I‚Äôm the only one whose answers I accept."
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"Isn‚Äôt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‚Äúpractice‚Äù?"
"I don‚Äôt like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."
"Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn‚Äôt want to fuck in the first place? There‚Äôs such balance in nature."
"Property is theft. Nobody ‚Äúowns‚Äù anything. When you die, it all stays here. "
"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
"The real reason that we can‚Äôt have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‚ÄúThou shalt not steal,‚Äù ‚ÄúThou shalt not commit adultery,‚Äù and ‚ÄúThou shalt not lie‚Äù in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."
"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."
"When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn‚Äôt a lot worth paying attention to."
"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don‚Äôt have as many people who believe it."
"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."
"I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm! Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it..."